NaDene

 Trigger Warning, Death

This is my only picture of us together.  We attended a TimeOut for Women in KS. It was so fun.

     I wasn't sure I could write this post. What can you say to covey the giant hole that suddenly appears in your life? Losing my Grandma was hard, but not really a shock. She had lived a long life and was ready to go home. Hearing of NaDene's passing was gut-wrenching. It's still gut-wrenching. I find myself losing it over dishes and little remarks my kids say. I told Daniel, I'm not sure if I'm feeling postpartum or just grief.  

   NaDene had emailed Daniel just before going to a scheduled surgery to fix an old surgery in her back. When he read some of it to me I remarked that it sounded like a goodbye. She had written to each of her children that night. When Ron called about her passing due to complications post-surgery, I was still unprepared for it. I am not ready to let her go even now. Grief is such a strange emotion. I think it really encompasses all the emotions while dragging you on a rollercoaster you didn't agree to board. It is so hard to process, and sometimes I don't want to, I want to wallow a bit then get up and try again.  

    Because we had just gone down for Grandma's funeral, we asked the kids what they wanted to do. Daniel really wanted to go without them so he could grieve, but he also knew that this was their grandma too and he didn't want to take that away from them. I hadn't even questioned that everyone would go. That's what you do. When he explained why he didn't want to I felt a little jipped that I didn't know that was an option when my grandma died. I had a real moment of selfish indignation that wasn't pretty. I kept it inside though and let the kids answer for themselves. We presented the options and I stressed that all of their cousins would be there and we were unlikely to see them for a while otherwise. They all decided to stay home. Lizzy especially didn't want to see her because it would make it real. I completely understood. I just hoped they wouldn't regret their decision.  A day before we planned to go Charles said he changed his mind and wanted to go, but it was too late then.

    Since it was just the three of us going, we decided to fly. I hadn't flown since Lizzy was 2. I tried to make sure everything was just right. Since we couldn't leave the kids alone for 4 days, my Mom graciously volunteered to come up. Daniel planned it so she flew in the same day we flew out so she would have the car, Daniel drove up and long-termed parked his car. I drove up later after seeing the kids off to school and brought Henry and Teddy up. We picked up Mom and Daniel, and then went to IKEA to let Henry play a bit before his drive back. A 4-hour trip is long without a break. It was nice to settle a bit, then Mom dropped us back at the airport and she drove Henry home. He fell asleep 20 mins from home. 

   Daniel and I got our bags checked and ran into our friend Ben Gygi from the old Hazeldell ward. It was nice to see a friendly face and catch up a bit. He works for Delta so he told us what to do. The airport is under construction, so you had to walk forever to get to the terminal. As I went through the security I was flagged for having liquid. I had 3 bottles of premade baby formula (which was TSA approved) When the first person realized what it was he told the ATS agent to let us go, but he either didn't hear or ignored them. He told me he had to open and test each bottle. Since this would make them useless for Teddy, I was going to have him toss them, He looked a little green about that and asked if Teddy needed them, I replied, "Yes, but if you open them they will probably go bad before he can drink them.) I was stressing a bit by this time. He said I could have all my things searched instead so I said fine, and then he looked Horrified and exclaimed, "I can't search you! I will have to search him." Pointing at Daniel. I looked at Daniel apologetically, but he consented to the search and pat down. All of my things were baby-related, and most of Daniel's things were too.  Just a mess of diapers and breast pump accouterments. The agent took forever going through every little thing. I'm glad we were there early. Finally, we were released. The rest of the airport staff was very accommodating. They moved our seats so we sat together. It was so nice. Teddy did great for his first plane ride!

    We had a stop in Milwaukee before heading to Kansas, The airport there was wired up. There were tablets everywhere with charging stations. We ordered dinner from one on a table, it was so weird. We had a couple of hours so we heard all about the Amazing Carl. He was working our flight, and he found a bag at their work station and thought a passenger had left it. Turns out it was the property of another coworker and Carl gave him grief for having a purse. So he explained how it worked for him and followed all the guidelines. It was funny. His other coworker kept calling him the Amazing Carl over the loudspeaker.  We had our seats changed again, but I misheard what mine was so I sat in the wrong spot. We got it figured out though and I went back with Daniel. We arrived in Kansas quite late and it took a bit to get a car rented, but we finally got on the road in our little Nissan rogue. It had extra indicator lights for cars in your blind spot. It was interesting.  It was a little past 11 pm Kansas time when we pulled up to Dad's house. He got up for us and made sure we were ok, then we all went to bed.

More to follow.....